Struggling to maintain her compoised demeanour, Married At First Sight’s nasty cheating wife is decimated by a cocky and balding grown man before her affair is discovered by a new arch nemesis.
How will this enemy use the damaging intel? And will the intentional use of the completely made-up word “compoised” make sense if you keep reading? Like Jessika’s lips, you won’t be deflated.
A night of frustrating contradiction unravels on Wednesday as a grown man with a tattooed-on hairline orchestrates the take-down of a 20-something mean girl who isn’t interested in things like marriage or pronouncing words properly.
“It’s just the same shit every week,” Ning sighs, and it’s unclear why Channel 9 hasn’t made this the tagline of the entire series.
OK, so last time we saw everyone they were highly intoxicated and glazed in sweat with matted hair and Jessika had just told Ning a bunch of vicious lies in front of all the girls as a way to take everyone’s attention off her secret affair.
Of course Ning tells Mark what Jessika said. What did she say again? Oh, that’s right: “Mark wants to f*ck a whole bunch of biiiitches”.
Mark’s hurt and insulted and vows to take down Jessika. Oh Mark. You’re a 40-year-old straight man and she’s a mid-20s mean girl. You’re not equipped to handle such a take-down.
While Mark’s not capable of undertaking such a mission, someone else is.
“I really don’t want drama tonight,” Jessika splutters to us as she walks into the dinner party, after doing literally nothing but causing drama.
Everyone turns to look. They all know.
“Hey Jess! What’d you say about Mark last night?” Mike booms across the warehouse.
Jessika doesn’t appreciate Mike’s brash desire to air dirty laundry because she is a lady and ladies need at least 16 salted margaritas before engaging in this kind of crud slinging.
“If Mark wants to speak to me he can speak to me in private. I don’t need to speak in front of the group,” she spluts, not wishing to pinpoint when exactly her aversion to public confrontations developed over the past 24 hours.
Mark takes a deep breath and decides to step in. He spent years in the army, but this is the first time he ever went into battle with a mean girl. He might not make it back alive.
“I, I, I … ” he stutters like a nervous dad confronting his know-it-all daughter who just made fun of his cargo shorts. “All the girls were there last night and … I’m assuming they’ve told their partners what happened, so …”
“Yeah?” she glares at him. If she could, she’d slam her door in his face and crank her stereo. But there’s no door to slam and the confrontation isn’t over.
Questions are hurled at Jessika and she isn’t fast enough to dodge them. Suddenly, it all makes sense. The reason Jessika has been so mean is because of the children. Ah, the children.
“Look, Ning’s got children and that’s my main concern,” she splatters.
This is a terrific catch-all excuse that no one will ever argue with and I can’t wait to use it in my own life.
“Why are you late?” my boss will squint at me tomorrow at 2.30pm.
“The children !” I’ll spit as I rollerblade past her desk.
Everyone raises an eyebrow at Jessika and she reverts to her tried and true method of defence: mispronouncing words.
“I owe you nothink! I hope the group NOTHINK!” she splats.
But Mike won’t quit.
“It seems a bit weak, Jessika,” he says, calm but firm. We still think Mike’s a total jerk and he becomes an even bigger jerk later tonight, but we support his mission.
“Stick to ya knitting!” he yells and everyone acts like he just called Jessika a giant cantaloupe.
“For him to do it in a big group like that, that just shows the maturity level,” Jessika splurts, just 24 hours after doing the same thing to Ning.
After witnessing the blow-up between Jessika and Mike, the producers switch-up the dining room seating plan so that they’re sitting next to each other.
Mike starts chanting “comeuppance!” and Jessika responds the only way she knows how:
Mike is relentless. He won’t stop until she breaks.
“Can we not talk about everyone’s relationship all the time?” Jessika slops, contradicting for about the ninth time tonight her own behaviour.
“It’s not about Instagram and selfies and trout pouts!” Mike lectures her.
“You said I have a trout pout?! You just said I have a trout pout!” Jessika scream-splutters while simultaneously attempting to purse her lips to hide the visual proof of said trout pout.
Ning steps in. She demands to know from Mark and Mick if there’s any truth to the rumours Jess so boldly presented last night.
The answer is a hard no.
“Glad we got that out of the way and now we can just enjoy the night!” Dan grunts jovially.
Don’t be so sure, Daniel. Two minutes later, the peace is rocked again.
“Are you still talking about me Miiiiiike!” Jessika splats across the table.
Down the other end of the table, Tamara naively disregards the rumours swirling around Jessika and her husband Dan and gives Jessika the highest of compliments.
“Dude, she is so compoised. Is that the right word? Yeah it is,” she says and, sorry sweetie, but that’s not the right word and it’s certainly not how we’d describe Jessika.
Everyone at the table starts Googling to see if “compoised” is actually a word. While these clowns are distracted, Jessika and Dan make a break for it.
They run to the dirty carpark, where they’ve been continuing their affair for weeks now, and hatch a plan to expose their romance this Sunday in front of everyone.
“I can’t keep doing this behind Tam’s back … going into the commitment ceremony tomorrow, I think we need to say something,” Dan grunts. “I wanna come clean and just let everyone know the way I feel about you. We should both write leave but ask the experts if we can stay. And me and you can try something.”
In what can only be described as cruel editing, producers cut to Tamara. She has lost her husband. But, even more devastating, she has lost her wine straw.
After engaging in yet another dirty carpark pash, Jessika and Dan return. He enters while tucking in his shirt and Jessika follows two seconds later with tousled hair.
They’re so caught up in their affair that they’ve gotten lazy with hiding the evidence. And the right person spots them: Ning.
“I feel like with Jess and Dan there’s something going on. Something’s already happened or will happen. I feel like they might be spending time together outside of all the dinner parties,” Ning tells us. We act shocked like this is brand new information but secretly we’ve known for weeks.
This is big intel. Ning can use it to destroy Jessika — just like Jessika attempted to destroy Ning’s marriage with her nasty rumours. What will Ning do? She makes her squirm.
“So Jess, what were you and Dan talking about?” Ning politely whispers to Jessika.
“What’s going on there? Maybe there’s something you’re not telling me. Have you been spending time with him outside?”
Jessika’s eyes widen. She doesn’t know what to say. So she does the only thing she knows how to do: splutter uncontrollably.
She’s so not compoised.
For more observations on being compoised and instigating the take-down of mid-20s mean girls, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir